Depression as a Risk Factor for Domestic Violence
Depression and Domestic Violence are inherently linked. A depressive disorder compromises our thought patterns, which impacts our decision-making process and can bring on super intense feelings of sadness and loneliness. It’s been described as a walking death, a pervasive void, which leaves us with little to no interest in life at all. When battling these tremendously alienating feelings we cling to anything and everything that gives us relief, be it drugs, alcohol, or an unhealthy relationship.
This article focuses on the last of these maladaptive coping mechanisms and how depression puts us at risk for domestic violence. Included here as well, are 7 steps you can take to protect yourself if you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
We ALL Deserve To Be Safe In Relationships
Starting from the basics, everyone deserves to be safe, it’s a fundamental human right. I’ll add to that by saying that everyone deserves to be safe in their homes, living free of abuse by an intimate partner. But we know that is hardly the case. In the United States, approximately 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. And in the LGBTQ+ community, those stats increase dramatically with 43.8% of gay women, 26% of gay men, 37.3% of bisexual men, and 61.1% of bisexual women are victims of intimate partner abuse. In the transgender community, that number is 1 out of 2, roughly half of the community has been a victim of intimate partner violence at some point in their lives.
Domestic violence and intimate partner violence is one of the most pervasive issues we face as a society and yet it is routinely dismissed by the public and by ourselves. Depression contributes to this dismissal of domestic violence.
Recognition of the fact that your relationship has crossed over the line from unhealthy to abusive is a hard thing to come to terms with, seeing this while battling depression adds another layer of challenge to the situation.
What is Domestic Violence and Partner Abuse
Let’s talk about what domestic violence is exactly, as there are many interpretations and definitions of what domestic violence actually refers to. I should also note that throughout this article as is true in the field in general, there are several terms that are used somewhat interchangeably to identify and describe domestic violence. They are; partner abuse, intimate partner violence, and domestic violence all of which include the abuse of animals within the context of an abusive relationship. The topic of animal abuse and domestic violence is discussed in greater depth below.
According to the United Nations, domestic violence and partner abuse is;
“Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.”
I think of domestic violence as the way in which one person dominates us to the point where our world becomes smaller and smaller, where we are slowly cut off from our resources and the people who are important to us in our life. Depression impacts us in a very similar manner, further complicating our situation and awareness of domestic violence in our life. The Power and Control Wheel is one of the tools used within the field of domestic violence to help explain the different ways in which we may see domestic violence or partner abuse emerge. I have included two images of this power and control wheel which look at domestic violence in the more traditional sense as well as the layers of oppression that surround this pattern when we think about LGBTQ+ communities and relationships.
It is important to remember that the tools abusive partners use are intentional and when it comes to gay relationships or relationships encased in systems of oppression, they too will be exploited, as we see in this second Power and control wheel used to illustrate this dynamic in the LGBTQ+ community. 
This article is specifically addressing the issue of depression and domestic violence and therefore it is essential that we also note how depression and mental health issues impact the perpetrator of abuse, as it is all too often that people who perpetrate violence and abuse on their partners have themselves been victimized or may be suffering from their own bouts of depression, anxiety, or PTSD. This is never an excuse and never makes the behavior ok, however, this is something that a victim might recognize and the perpetrator might even exploit as a rationale for their behavior.
One of the more common questions asked by victims of domestic violence is “can they change?” This is a complex question, with no simple answer. I won’t address this question here, but more information can be found at this link from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
The Cycle of Abuse and How Depression Puts Us At Risk for Domestic Violence
Depression is one of those mental health challenges that not only impacts how we feel about ourselves and the life around us but can also leave us vulnerable to many social and societal risks, such as domestic violence. Those risks naturally spill over into our romantic and intimate partner relationships which can increase our vulnerability to abuse at the hands of our intimate partners and spouses.
A healthy, fulfilling relationship can be the thing that drives us, pushes us, and challenges us to be better, to continually move us in the direction of self-improvement. However the line between encouragement and manipulation can be blurred and at times, we mistake control and manipulation for love and acceptance. Depression causes us to question our self-worth, self-esteem, our extended relationships, as well as our effectiveness at work or in school. Depression may also leave us feeling like we can’t hack it or just don’t have what it takes to make it in the world. The disease of depression is isolating and destructive.
Now bring in that partner who builds you up and tells you that you are good and everyone else is bad, that they will get you through these tough times and you don’t need to worry about working cause they make plenty of money and will support you. You don’t need your friends or your family because they got you and your family and friends are the enemy. At first, this can feel like salvation, finally, someone who understands and gets you, someone who is going to take care of you. Someone who makes you feel like you are on top of the world.
Until… there is a shift, they start to get upset more often about little things, maybe get jealous when you talk with a friend, or if you want to go out. You notice what upsets your partner and so you avoid those potential topics or actions which will create conflict as much as possible. If you do try to venture out, there may be a scene in public, so again, you avoid being out and not seeing your friends. As a result, you’re more and more isolated, further entrenched in the cycle of an abusive relationship. You continue to modify your behavior, walking on eggshells and doing what you can to not upset your partner. This is also the phase where if you question something it turns into “crazy-making” aka gaslighting, where you question your thoughts and the reality of them. This is one of the more dangerous parts of this cycle as this is where you are manipulated into believing that what you are experiencing is made up in your head, that this is your issue, your problem. It is a part of the cycle that truly makes you wonder if you are going crazy, hence the name “crazy-making”!
This is an extremely difficult situation for anyone to navigate, now add a layer of depression to the picture and you can see how this can make that already challenging situation untenable. Keep in mind that an abusive person is intentionally working to keep you to themselves and will also use any personal challenge or issue you may deal with to their advantage, depression will be one of those things that will be used against you as well.
When battling depression we grasp onto that which supports us, as I have described above, anything that makes us feel good about ourselves. Abusive people have a tendency to excel at this knack for making us feel good, they are often well-liked, charismatic, and very good at telling people what they need to hear. Naturally, the dynamic in an intimate relationship is easily complicated and makes it really difficult to identify when someone who we love and trust is working to control us and disempower us, often coinciding with manipulation, building us up, and tearing us down.
Knowledge Is Power
I don’t mean to paint a doom and gloom picture here, there is a lot to be hopeful about and if you are reading this, then clearly you can relate to some of what I am describing and I want you to know there is a way out, which I am going to talk about below. However, before I do that, I will say that one of the first things you can do to make a change for yourself is to first learn and understand the patterns of your relationship. Something I say to clients all the time is to trust your gut, trust your instincts. You know when you are being mistreated or controlled when you are nervous, avoiding something for fear of consequences and I implore you to listen to those instincts. If you are starting to recognize these patterns then that is a great first step, I think this can be the hardest part, to see that the person you care about is not treating you well and that they are not able to separate their own issues from you and your relationship.
But you are smarter than they think and reading this article is one way that you are working to protect yourself. Learning about the patterns between domestic violence and their relationship to depression is one way that you are taking steps to defend yourself and take the steps you need to be safe and to keep the people and animals you care about safe from harm.
Animal Abuse and Domestic Violence
Abuse of animals and family pets is a huge heartbreaking issue in and of itself. It is finally albeit, slowly, being recognized as a barrier to leaving an abusive relationship, as research indicates that nearly 65% of victims remain with their abusive partner for fear of the safety of their pets. Fortunately, there are more and more resources that are becoming available for pets and victims of abuse including legislation to provide more options for survivors of domestic violence and their pets. I will talk more about safety planning below but if you are thinking about leaving an abusive partner and concerned about the welfare of your pet, critical information on this topic can be found here.
How to Prepare to Leave an Abusive Partner Safely.
- Stay informed and educate yourself. As I mentioned earlier, knowledge is power. If you have limited access to technology and resources, think about the neighbors around you or the people who know your situation and might be able to help connect you to those resources when the time is right and in a way that won’t put you at risk. Maybe while your partner is out you can use a neighbors computer to access information or use their phone to make the phone calls you need. If you have children in the school system, there may be resources available there that would not cause suspicion by your partner. Any and every connection to the outside world is a possibility to build on.
- Connect with local resources. There are many local domestic violence agencies and hotlines out there. In the United States, there is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which can connect you to local resources. In Canada, there is the Ending Violence Association of Canada and in the UK there is an organization called Refuge, that offers a national hotline and can be found here
- Talk with an advocate. When you make the connection to your local agency, talk with an advocate, ask about legal implications and options available to you. This may vary depending on many individual factors such as immigration status, whether or not you have children, your employment situation, and so on. If a protective order is something that will help you, your domestic violence advocate will be able to give you more information about those options as well. Keep in mind that a protective order is not a bulletproof vest, while it may be an option for some it does not mean that it will be the best option for you. There are many individual decisions to be made, discussing them with someone will help you arrive at the right decision for you and your family.
- Make a safety plan. Whether you are getting ready to leave your partner or need to stay where you are, it is good to think about organizing your thoughts in the form of a safety plan. It is essential though, if you are taking steps to leave your partner. A safety plan is just that, a plan that you have laid out for you and your family to help think about how to stay safe and options if different scenarios arise. It is individual and will look different for everyone. There is an online guide available at The Hotline, which you can find by clicking here.
- Make provisions for children and pets. If you are leaving your abusive partner think about what you need to do to maintain as much normalcy for your children and pets while being safe. Is there a friend that your family pet can stay with or is there a shelter that might be able to take them while you are relocating? An advocate at your local agency may have some of this information available as well as your local vet or animal rescue. There are more and more organizations that are connecting with domestic violence shelters to support the needs of pets as well as their humans, one such organization is called Red Rover and they can be accessed here.
- The safest option for you might be to stay where you are. One of the most dangerous times in a relationship is when a person tries to leave their abusive partner. Discuss your options with a counselor or Domestic Violence advocate, they will be able to help you think about how you can work within the relationship to keep yourself safe while working towards being able to leave at some point in the future.
- Seek out professional mental health support. Facing the reality of being in an abusive relationship is overwhelming, to say the least, and if you were already experiencing depression then it is important that you continue to get the mental health support you need so that you will be able to make the best decisions for you and your family. I know that accessing a therapist at this point in time is challenging. I have partnered with an agency called Online Therapy that aims to bring therapy to people virtually. You can access this service with my affiliate link where you can get 20% off their service for the first month. If you do have access to technology and don’t need to use insurance this may be a great option as a starting point towards creating the changes you want and need for yourself and your family.
You Deserve To Feel Safe; Violence Is Never OK!
I hope this article has been helpful and provided some insight as to how depression and domestic violence are connected. If you know of a friend or family member that is living in an unsafe relationship, please pass this on to them and share it on your social media. If there is one thing I have learned over the course of my career and life is just how common abuse inside the privacy of our homes is. Domestic violence is one of the most pervasive social issues that we face as a society and depression which as many as 264 million of us face worldwide is a major complication in this fight for safety in our homes.
Are you a survivor of Domestic Violence? Has depression played into your experience? Please send me a message or comment below if there are things that helped you get through your own challenges with depression and domestic violence. None of us can do it alone, we all need the support of each other!
If you need help now, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to speak with a domestic violence support person.
