Finding Security in Your Insecurities

We’ve all got them, and they come and go from time to time.  Insecurities are a part of life and even those people who appear to be super secure, have things that pop up for them from time to time, I am convinced!  In a world where you are constantly needing to prove yourself and be on top of your game, it’s hard to not feel some insecurity from time to time.  I’ve got 10 tips on how you can get over your insecurities and turn them into possibilities.

Where Does Insecurity Come From?

Insecurity is a feeling, and feelings come from thoughts.  These are all influenced by your experiences and the messages from the people around you (that includes society and popular culture), coupled with your own individual personality, and possibly mental health challenges of your own.  The upside to feelings (especially when hard feelings arise), is that they are not constant, they change over time and if you work to change your thought patterns, you can also change and influence the way you feel, helping you to get over your insecurities.

10 Tips to Get Over Insecurity

#1 Dismantle that Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome is the phenomenon that despite your accomplishments, and personal attributes, there is an underlying, maybe knawing feeling that you will be discovered as a fraud or not worthy.  This insecurity comes up for many people in their professional lives as well as their social and romantic lives and if not dealt with, can do a number on your self-esteem.

Imposter syndrome is the idea that you don’t deserve or are not qualified to be where you are, that you are not smart enough, funny enough, or good enough to be doing what you are doing or be with who is in your life.  Imposter syndrome is more of an inner belief rather than a measurable outcome, as people who deal with imposter syndrome are often very accomplished, likable people.

The good news is that there is an easy way to dismantle that lingering question:

• Simply look around and answer the question of how you got to where you are.  Was it a fluke that you got hired for the position you are in?  Are there years of education or experience behind the job you are in?  If someone gave you a job, it is because they believe in you, use that outside reassurance to remind you of your own qualifications.
• If it is in the context of a relationship or the social circles you travel in, write down your contributions to those people around you.  Do some journaling around this and see what you come up with.

#2 Let Go of Perfectionism and Adopt a Growth Mindset

Perfectionism is sometimes driven by fear and anxiety as a way to cope with feelings of insecurity, it is a way of finding something external to correct something internal.  Anxiety and perfectionism are closely associated as compulsions can become the way in which we aim to control our environment.   And the idea that we can achieve perfection is first, just false, and second, will lead us down a path of perpetual dissatisfaction.

It is ok to work towards getting better at something and striving to close the gap in the “room for improvement” category but remember that it will always be there.  Once you can be ok with that, you might find it easier to give yourself a break when outcomes don’t match your expectations.  Let go of the idea that you can achieve perfection and instead think about it as a journey.

We are all lifelong learners that live and learn, that is the value of life experience, that we can grow into something.  The growth mindset is something that we talk a lot about in our schools, it’s the idea that we are learning as we go along, and just because we don’t know it, understand it, haven’t mastered it today, doesn’t mean that we won’t tomorrow.

None of us are supposed to “get it” all from the get-go.  It’s funny, how this concept escapes us at times, students can forget that they are actually learning something new and there’s time involved, that’s why we take chemistry or algebra for a year or longer.  And somehow, if we don’t achieve mastery from the get-go, we think of it as a mark against us.   Likewise, I encounter many adults who blame themselves for not identifying that their spouse was dealing with a mental health issue.  Unless you are trained in mental health, why would you expect that of yourself?

#3 Strengths and Limitations

Getting over insecurity means that you will need to remind yourself that we all have strengths and limitations and that is perfectly ok, that’s kinda what makes the world go round.  As the saying goes, “Jack (or Jane) of all trades, master of none.”  We can’t be good at everything, even though sometimes it feels like there are some people who naturally are, but the truth is, even those people who look like that have it all, really don’t.

But maybe they know what they are good at and when they need help, they ask for it.  Being aware of your strengths and your limitations can also be a process, and you can start today, by bringing this more to your consciousness.  Think about the things you are good at and the things you need help with.  This is another good topic for your journal 😉

#4 Identify the Source of Your Insecurity

As I mentioned above, insecurity comes from experiences and the messages we receive.  You have little control over many of your life experiences, you can’t change your upbringing and the adversity you might have experienced as a kid.  You can’t control the messages you might have received as a kid in school, from your teachers, peers, or family.  But if you can identify where the negative messages about yourself came from, and when you do, you can work to slowly erase some of that negative messaging.  You will also then be able to ask the question, “what can I do, to change this?”  There might be a straightforward answer and there might not be.

Talking about this with someone you trust can be helpful or working through it on your own through your journaling, reading, or another creative outlet.  By asking the question of yourself and bringing this to your consciousness, you will be able to contemplate these questions as you move through your days, perhaps as a reflection during your workouts or meditation.  In the end, it might take us back to tip #3, recognizing that we all have limitations.  We are not all meant to be professional athletes or even varsity athletes and that is ok, you have other things that you can contribute in a very meaningful way.

Additionally, if there is a concrete area for you to do some development around, identifying that, will help you create an action plan to address that deficit.  This takes me to the next tip…

#5 Get Over Insecurity With Skill Building

If you have been able to identify the origin of your insecurity, you might then be able to put your finger on something concrete that you can build some skills around.  This will be easiest when it comes to work-related skills, like public speaking or a computer program, there are lots of options out there to work on these types of skills.  However, there is also a lot of support out there around particular issues related to parenting, maybe specific to your needs or family situation.

Sometimes, it goes a little deeper and is not something that we can just take a class on or go to a seminar on.  Sometimes it is something that hits on something very personal, like appreciating your body.  Building self-esteem around our body image can be done with a therapist or school counselor or even a trusted friend or family member.  And can be addressed in conjunction with a number of these other tips and strategies here.

Embrace the fact that you don’t know everything there is to know about a subject and that is ok, give yourself that permission, if it is something that is crucial to your work, there is time to learn it and get better at it.

#6 Focus on What You Have Done, Rather Than What You Haven’t

Our brains are naturally wired to bring in the negative information around us, as opposed to the positive things going on around us.  This is known as the negativity bias.

The negativity bias is grounded in evolution and is that thing that has in large part, kept us safe for millennia.  When your ancestors were able to hone in on the dangers around them, they were able to protect themselves and survive.  Today it’s a little different, but in many ways, the critical voice in our heads can be as dangerous as the saber-toothed tiger.

When you catch yourself criticizing yourself for what you haven’t done, counter it with something that you have done.  This is a practice that will take time to first recognize (the negative voice) and then secondly to work on adjusting (switching from negative to positive).  But with some conscious effort, you can slowly change the tape running in your head and your self-esteem will thank you for it.

#7 Recognize Your Specialities, Your Uniqueness

Whether it is job training, education, or in your relationships, you have things to contribute.  The mere fact that you are walking this earth, breathing air, and engaging with the people around you, gives you some authority over life and experiences you have faced.

Be proud of who you are and what you have lived through, those experiences, and the subsequent wisdom that you gain from them, make you who you are today and that is something to feel good about.  You are unique, in your thoughts, approaches to problem-solving, socializing, and expressing yourself.  Your gifts are there, find them, discover them, and put them out there, people will value your insight and see you as someone to take seriously.

#8 Stop the Negative Self Talk

We all have that pesky inner voice that feeds us all the negative information in a day, that could last a lifetime.  Work on retraining your inner voice and replace the negative comments and feedback you give to yourself with something positive.  This definitely aligns with strategy #6, focusing on what you have done rather than what you haven’t.

One way to help curb the negative self-talk is to talk to yourself the way a friend would, or think about treating yourself the way you would treat a friend.  Some of this perspective-taking can help you to be more objective and might also help you catch the negative comments you berate yourself with.

If you are using some of the strategies listed here, like taking inventory of your strengths and specialties, you can use that list here to remind yourself of those awesome qualities you have. To help you get over insecurity it can be helpful to take that list out and read it every so often, it can be a nice way to start your day out, with affirmations!

 #9 The Company You Keep

There are lots of great quotes out there about “the company you keep”, they all come back to the same point.  Choose wisely as, your friends and the people you spend time with will have an impact on you, for the better or the worse, and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

The most important part of this idea is that you spend time with the people who bring you up, not bring you down.  Relationships will challenge you and that is ok.  Recognizing the difference between someone challenging you and helping you to think about something differently, and a person who creates doubt about yourself is super important.  Healthy friendships or relationships will actually help you get over insecurity and contribute to healthy, well-being all around.

Maintain healthy relationships, with boundaries and make sure there is give and take on both sides.  Check-in with yourself and think about how you feel after spending time with someone, do you walk away feeling fulfilled and positive or does it fall on the other end of the spectrum?

#10 FOMO and Social Media

At this point, it is probably a well-known fact that social media does not help us to feel good about ourselves.  This is found to be true in adults of all age ranges as well as children and adolescents.  One study reported that for adults ranging in age from 28-73, as many as 60% found that social media had a negative impact on their self-esteem.  Children and teens are especially susceptible to the negative impact of social media when social comparison and the need for approval, from either parents or peers is at its highest.

Social media is here to stay and we need to figure out how to adapt and co-exist with it.  The truth is, many modern advances have had a negative impact on our society while at the same time bringing opportunities with positive contributions.  Just think about television or the automobile, both revolutionized the modern era, but both have also had negative outcomes as well.  It’s such a primary part of our everyday life that we don’t even think about it.

Similarly, we will need time to adjust to the ways in which social media impacts our lives.  In the meantime, being aware of the emotional and psychological impact it has on you is super important, check-in with yourself and limit the time you spend on social media.  Think about your posts and the potential negative or positive impact they might have.  I hear many young people deciding for themselves that they, at times need to do a social media cleanse and take a break from it for a while.  One of the possible long-term, positive outcomes, aside from being able to keep up with our friends and family, is that we might have a more self-aware, socially cognizant society that thinks before they act.

Resources for Therapy

When it comes to some of these more deeply rooted personal questions about ourselves, therapy is often a good place to sort some of that out.  As I always say, therapy can be a sign of health rather than illness.  Life is hard and we all need a little help from someone who can be objective and has some professional training around mental health issues and the workings of our minds.  It also doesn’t have to be a long-term thing, sometimes going for a short-term period to address a specific area can be all that you need.

In therapy, you can create a specific and unique plan to address the challenges you are facing in your own life, be it around getting over insecurity or otherwise, where you will be able to build the skills, strategy #6 😉 to live fully and contently.

If you are looking to connect with a therapist, you can check with your EAP (employee assistance program) at work, your doctors’ office, or ask around.  There is also online therapy where you can connect with a therapist from anywhere in the world virtually.  I have included my affiliate link here where you can get a 20% discount.  Check it out and let me know how it works for you.

Final Thoughts on Getting Over Insecurity

Having some insecurities can also have an upside as well, insecurities can set you up to be open to the idea that you have more to learn which is not always a bad thing.  Those people who feel they have mastered something could find themselves short at some point, which in the end will stunt their own growth.  The bottom line is that we evolve, we grow, and we constantly improve, remember that and you will be ok.

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References:

American Psychological Association: Feel like a Fraud?

Huffpost: Social Media’s Impact on Self-Esteem

Penn State: Social Media and Self-Esteem