When Life Gets Tough … Remember You Have Choices…
There’s lots we encounter in life, that we don’t like and won’t like. However, you do have options in the way that you deal with those challenges. Radical acceptance just might be the right answer for you! This article will define what radical acceptance is, give examples of when radical acceptance is appropriate, and finally offer the steps you can take to get to a place of radical acceptance in your life.
Is Life Giving You Lemons? … Make Lemonade!
Hopefully, we get there, (to the lemonade 😉) that is after all the goal, to accept a situation and turn it into something good… however, sometimes it’s not that easy and it takes time to get there. Typically when you are confronted with a challenge in life, your response will be one of these 4 approaches:
- You can problem-solve and try to figure out another way to achieve that which you long for or need.
- You can get angry, frustrated, depressed, or even despondent
- You can accept the situation, the reality for what it is
- You can find the silver lining, the good in the bad
Depending on the challenge and the intensity of your painful feelings, you might go through stages, such as denial, anger, or bargaining as part of your process, which are all part of the grief cycle. Very often when radical acceptance is called for, it is around a loss that we are facing in life.
So, suffice it to say, that arriving at the place where you are ready to “make lemonade” might be a way down the road from where you are today. And that is ok, sometimes it is part of the process that you need to go through and the learning along the way will be invaluable, albeit painful.
What Is Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance is an intervention taught in counseling and therapy, which is connected to the modality of DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). DBT was founded by Marsha Linehan in the 1980s while doing research on suicidality and was later found to be very effective with individuals who were diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. Today DBT is widely used to treat a variety of mental health challenges such as substance use, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD, bulimia as well as anyone on the self-harm spectrum, which includes individuals at risk of suicide. DBT was the first treatment modality to incorporate mindfulness and is one of the mainstays in hospital-based programs be it inpatient or outpatient treatment and found to be a very effective approach to treatment for these mental health illnesses.
Although radical acceptance is an intervention that emerges out of the DBT framework and is known as a form of treatment for those suffering from severe mental illness, many of us could stand to benefit from this technique when confronted with life challenges.
8 Situations That Call For Radical Acceptance
- When confronted with a loss, such as a death, loss of employment, loss of a relationship.
- When feelings are in the way of you moving forward.
- When you find yourself focusing on a difficult time in your past, possibly a traumatic upbringing or other traumatic incidents from your past.
- If you have worked through the problem-solving stage and not finding an alternative to that which you are struggling to accept.
- When you are hyperfocused (maybe even stubborn) about achieving a benchmark that is not happening, for example, wanting to work in a very competitive field that is just not working out for you, despite your best efforts.
- When something terrible happens that is not your fault, as is the case of a traumatic incident, assault, or accident.
- When your feelings are getting in the way of your happiness.
- When you feel stuck.
There are situations when radical acceptance is not the best course of action. These are situations in which you or someone’s safety is impacted, such as an abusive relationship or when you are dissatisfied in a job or life situation that calls for steps to improve the situation. Journaling is an option that can help you to determine your next steps. If you are at the point where you are at a crossroads, deciding between moving towards radical acceptance, or continuing to ‘fight the fight’ it could be helpful to speak with a therapist or close friend. See below for more information about therapy.
How Radical Acceptance Can Improve Your Quality of Life
Radical acceptance can help to improve your overall quality of life by relieving you of the burden of the “what ifs”, the “whys”, or the painful feeling of believing that you are at fault, lamenting “why me?”.
This can be a hellacious place to be, constantly torturing yourself and beating yourself up, or just plain old being angry and bitter, which ends up hurting you more than anyone else. Although with that said, it can also be very hard for a loved one to witness another person go through such heartache or difficult time.
When you can achieve radical acceptance of something that you are vehemently opposed to, there can be great relief at the end of that process. Also, just to note, because you accept something does not mean that you agree with it. It simply means that you have come to a place of understanding and grounding in the reality of life and this world which is full of difficulties and challenges on all levels and that you made a conscious decision to put this “thing” in its place and will not allow it to further detract from your overall well being and quality of life.
How to Practice Radical Acceptance – 10 steps
- Identify the situation that you are struggling to accept and which is causing you to feel painful and intense feelings of loss, anger, and frustration, etc.
- Acknowledge that if something has happened in the past, it cannot be undone.
- Bring in and acknowledge the unpleasantness or difficulties that you are going through. Grieve them, feel them and be present with them.
- Take in some deep breathes and pay attention to your thought process, these impact your feelings.
- Engage in positive self-talk (see the section below on affirmations)
- Identify one or two affirmations and keep these front and center as you work to be focused on the here and now, being mindful of the present moment, aka mindfulness.
- Allow room for acknowledging that people are human, all people, you included, and we are all imperfect, subject to shortcomings.
- Refrain from judging yourself, others, or the situation, work towards seeing them as facts rather than attaching feelings to them.
- Envision what your life might look like or how you might feel if this problem was not in front of you, then move forward with that plan as best you can.
- Remind yourself that life is painful and uncomfortable at times but that it is still worth living and in the pain, you can gain clarity.
Affirmations to Achieve Radical Acceptance
- “I can get through this even if it is hard.”
- “This is a moment in time and is not permanent, this discomfort will pass.”
- “When one door closes, another opens.”
- “We do not heal the past by dwelling there.”
- “This is making me stronger.”
- “I am enough.”
- “I can create a new path, even though this feels bad.”
- “I have endured difficult experiences before and it was ok.”
- ‘I am exactly where I need to be and doing what I need to do right now.”
- “I am imperfect and that is ok.”
Therapy
Going through this process, that I described above, is not easy and you might want and need support to help you through it. Online-therapy.com is one such option, they embrace CBT (on which DBT was founded), and you can schedule an appointment on your time from anywhere in the world. They have lots of tools and supports available. You can get 20% off for your first month when you use my affiliate link.
Options for therapy also include contacting your health insurance company, your primary care, or the employee assistance program at work. Many of these offices will have a list of referrals available for you.
Finding Peace and Letting Go
In many ways, radical acceptance is about letting go of what you wanted or thought you needed, and allowing room for life to be in control, instead of fighting to control life… which is a losing battle in one way or another, sooner or later you will feel that reality. It is the active practice of embracing a mindset that despite our best efforts there is a lot in life that is out of our hands. When we can accept that, we are moving towards achieving the radical aspect of accepting that which you don’t want to accept and making peace with yourself, and life for that matter. 😉
Final Thoughts
Sometimes the options sitting in front of us, are less than desirable, finding a way to radically accept the reality of the situation and recognize that your options are limited can truly feel overwhelming and like you will never get there. However, if the desire is there, you will get there, it has to start with you being ready to make the moves towards accepting this new reality and taking the steps to free yourself of the ties to the past and what was. Focusing on the future and the possibilities that lie in front of you will come with time, once you are able to achieve the acceptance in your life that you need.
Wanna Learn More About Radical Acceptance?
Check out My online course “Overcome Depression” where I have a whole module dedicated to the topic of radical acceptance and how it can help you defeat depression. This is just one of 10 modules where you will have a chance to build skills to overcome the challenges in your life. More information can be found by clicking on the links here. Below is just a snapshot of what you will get in my Online Course “Overcome Depression”.
If you found this article helpful, please hit the like button below and share it with your friends and family 🙏. Thanks for being here with me today and hope to see you again soon! ❤️
A Note About Me
You might have guessed, if you have read some of my other articles, my about me page, or maybe saw through some of my personal pictures… I love the outdoors, I love adventure and I love the thrill (and challenge) of personal struggle in the natural world. I see these struggles and challenges as parallel to many of the mental health struggles, many of us encounter in our lives. It is also one of the ways in which I have worked to embrace all of which I write about here in this blog.
As they say, there are no accidents in life. That I was “denied” the life I had envisioned for myself, working for an international NGO only to finally give in after an intense battle with depression and the track towards becoming a mental health therapist landed in my lap… and then years later to create this blog … sharing with a world audience the ways to overcome the mental health struggles life is filled with.
No, there are no accidents, but it does take us some time to figure it out… be patient, and despite the challenges, you encounter there are new opportunities that await! After I embraced my calling to work in the field of mental health and the chance to work with hundreds of families and individuals as they struggled through their own mental health ups and downs, I was more fully able to understand life and its mysterious twists and turns. I am here to teach you all of that which I have spent my life learning personally and professionally. I hope you will join me on this journey by joining the Upside Down Flan community here. There’s lots more coming… I am just getting started! 😉
References:
Book by Tara Brach, Ph.D.: Radical Acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a Buddha