When You Maximize Therapy, New Doors Will Open
You hold the key, but your therapist will help you unlock the door that will open up a world of new possibilities for you. If you are going to spend the time, money, and energy to go to therapy, why not do all that you can to get the most out of that experience. I have lots of tips to help you maximize therapy and help you to get the results you want and need out of therapy. Included in this article are 5 dos and 5 don’ts along with a discussion of the myths that keep people from venturing into the world of therapy, which can potentially cause you to miss out on a more fulfilling life!
Getting Started with Therapy
Many people begin therapy with the idea that sitting down in a chair in front of a therapist is where their work ends and the therapist’s begins. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As a therapist and clinician for almost 15 years and in the field of social work for more than 20 years (yikes), I have seen this scenario play out time and time again. You might be surprised to learn how many people fall into this above description. And I say “surprised” because the mere fact that you are reading this article, tells me that you don’t fall into that camp 😉 , however, we can always make improvements… So, let’s get into it!
Dispelling 3 Myths Around Therapy
#1 It’s a personal flaw or weakness if you go to therapy.
So not true!! There isn’t anything wrong with you if you go to therapy. I say this all the time, therapy is a sign of health rather than illness. We are all expected, (even required, for school-age kids) to see a Medical Doctor at least once per year, and no one bats an eye when you tell them you went to the DR, in fact, it’s the opposite! Life is hard, for everyone in different ways, why wouldn’t you need help from time to time? Somehow this idea has worked its way into the modern psyche that we are supposed to just know how to figure out all this relationship, social and emotional stuff in our lives.
I will say it again, going to therapy is a sign that you acknowledge there are challenges in your life, that you don’t have all of the answers and you have the strength to not only recognize it but take steps to work on it! That sure doesn’t sound like a weakness to me!!
#2 Therapy is like paying someone to be nice to you, to be your “friend”.
Therapists do not become our friends. There is a strict ethical code of conduct, which is in part why there is so much paperwork to sign and fill out before you begin therapy. You enter into a professional relationship, where yes the therapist does and can become an integral part of your life and world for a time, but the relationship does not go beyond the walls of the office aside from the necessary phone calls and emails in between sessions and of course in the case with kids, that includes contact with parents.
You might like your therapist, hopefully, you do 😀 but a good therapist is not being nice to you because you are paying them. Hopefully, you find your therapist to be supportive, but again that is not to be confused with a friendship. And your therapist might also like you as a person, but as is the case in many professional relationships, this doesn’t equate to a friendship. Boundaries are often talked about in therapy and therapy is actually a place where some of this can be modeled. Furthermore, the fact that you are not friends and in a professional relationship makes room to hear some hard truths (observations), the fact that you are not friends is actually one of the strengths of the therapeutic relationship.
#3 The therapist will push their ideas and beliefs on me.
A good therapist will never do this! If this does happen, then that is a good indicator that you need to move on and find someone else. This one is upsetting because while I am sure it happens, it goes against just about everything that a therapist is supposed to do in therapy, which is to support you in your journey and help you discover the right path for you, not what the therapist thinks you should do or ideas that you need to believe. And it is particularly upsetting because clients often come into the office being more vulnerable and therefore difficult for you, the client, to decipher.
This in my mind is an ethical breach of conduct and is never ok. It can happen in big and small ways but listen to your gut and if something feels off, listen to it, talk about it with someone you trust, and decide if you want to keep seeing this person or better yet, discuss it in therapy. There is always the possibility that there is some miscommunication and if this is the case allowing room for an honest conversation is probably the most therapeutic thing that can happen. I always appreciate it when someone brings up an issue they are having inside the room, an issue that we can work through and figure out together, but this is an individual decision and will depend on a number of factors.
Remember that therapists are human too, and we aren’t perfect, but I will say, part of our responsibility is to consult with other colleagues (confidentially) to get support when needed. Therapists will make suggestions along the way, that is part of what you are looking for, right? Not to be confused with imposing a personal thought, belief, or philosophy on another person.
To Maximize Therapy, DO the Following
The List of Do’s
#1 Come Prepared!!! I can’t stress this one enough. Many people come to therapy and have no idea what they want or need to discuss with their therapist. Even identifying just a few little items, things that have been on their mind or things that they have been struggling with, will be enormously helpful and will maximize therapy for you. Therapists are here to guide you in your process, we can’t do that without your involvement. Granted some people have a more natural ability to do this and that is ok, therapy can help teach how to be more insightful and observant, helping you key into things about your life that you might not have been aware of previously.
There are a few exceptions to this “Do”. Occasionally, a session will end and there is the agreement, between you and the therapist, that you will begin the next session with a specific issue, concern, or topic. If this is the case then I would say that this is as much the therapist’s responsibility as it is yours to pick up on. So you get a pass there 😉
#2 Work on your stuff in between sessions!
The hard work in therapy is done outside the office. It’s not a matter of sitting in the office with someone talking about what is going on and the challenges that you are experiencing and then forgetting it all in between. Sure, life happens for all of us and sometimes we do better with this than other times.
However, if the topics that you are discussing in therapy are not coming up in your everyday life, maybe there is a need to dig a little deeper? Just some food for thought… 😉
#3 Do Expect to Be Challenged
A good therapist will find the right balance between supporting you and also challenging you. Therapists are not here to agree with everything you say and dismiss the “wrongdoings” of others as their issue. We only know what you tell us, but hopefully, your therapist will be able to highlight some patterns in your life, communication, and decision-making process that are creating problems for you and from where you will be able to identify the ways in which to make changes. This is the hard part… cause…. change is hard and that is typically the name of the game…. creating change.
How you create change in your life will be part of the therapeutic process, but allowing room for the creation of a new pattern would be optimal which won’t come without some hard work, for sure!
#4 Be Honest
As I said above, we only know what you tell us. Therefore, if you are not honest in therapy, it is impossible to expect any kind of real change. Now, sometimes we are so far in it, that it can be hard to see the truth in a matter, perspectives vary, and so on, but do your best to put your truth out there and be open and willing to see error on all sides, cause none of us truly have it, we are all perfectly imperfect! 😊
This doesn’t apply to cases of severe mental illness, where distorted thinking is part of the psychiatric issue and in these cases, there will most likely be collateral contact to decipher the facts.
When I speak to honesty in this context, an example might be that you enjoy drinking, maybe too much and as a result, this leads to many challenges in your relationships or at work. You begin therapy to address some of these relationship challenges, but you omit the part about your drinking, that would not benefit you and your progress in therapy. Granted admitting to and owning up to excessive drinking is a process, it’s not supposed to be easy, but maybe beginning with the fact that you enjoy drinking and that sometimes it is in excess, which would be an opening for a therapist to then dig into a little more, with your permission of course 😉
#5. Speak Up
If you want to maximize your therapy, this is an important one. In the event that you have an issue with something that happens in therapy or something that your therapist said, talk about it with your therapist. This is related to the myth above in situations where you might feel a therapist is pushing their ideas and beliefs on you. Lots can be gained through honest, direct discussion around this. It could be a risk, but what do you have to lose?
To Maximize therapy, Don’t Do The Following
The List of Don’ts
#1 Don’t expect that the therapist will tell you what to do
Therapy is a partnership, the therapist is there to guide you, make observations, and together, for you to arrive at new ways of moving forward that feel ok to you. Through the observations, and suggestions of the therapist, you will discuss what makes sense for you and what you feel would be a good path forward, but ultimately it is your decision and your life, it all has to work for you!
#2 Don’t Expect that things will change overnight
Therapy is part of a change process that comes in all shapes and sizes, which varies in time and length and at times feels like 2 steps forward and one step back. Try not to be impatient and allow room for the process to happen, if you can do this, this will no doubt contribute to your experience and will help you to maximize your therapy.
Some people need time to get comfortable, especially when struggling with an issue, maybe it will take a good month to be able to get into the nitty-gritty. However, when therapy is very targeted, it can move very quickly. The pace is largely dependent on you, just be patient… I know easier said than done 😉…
#3 Don’t Apologize for Feelings That Come Up and then “dumping them” in Therapy
This is kind of a minor one and if you do this, it is not to say that you won’t be getting everything you need out of therapy. However, I think it’s important enough to mention here, you are never wrong for how you feel, and dumping those feeling out inside the therapist’s office is why you are there! No need to apologize for your feelings, being open to talking about it is important, but never apologize to a therapist for this… maybe it could be practice for life outside of therapy? Now that’s some good material to tweeze apart!! 😉
#4 Don’t bring your child to therapy thinking they are the problem
This might sound a little harsh, but if you bring your child to therapy, then it is equally important that you be able, to be honest, and think about your piece of the equation. Bringing your child to therapy saying, “I am not the issue here, you need to focus on my child” is very good information for the therapist to have as to why the child is acting out or having difficulty 🤔. It doesn’t mean that your child is not in the wrong but the better question to be asking is why, why are they acting out, why are they not going to school and what is happening at home that contributes to that. It could be that your child struggles with depression or anxiety, but these also have roots in the home environment.
Suffice it to say that if you want to see your child maximize their therapy, you will likely need to be a part of it. The way in which this is addressed will depend on age but you as a parent will need to be an integral part of the work your child does.
#5 Don’t lose sight of the big picture
This will in part be the job of the therapist’s but remember to keep in mind the progress that you have made in your life and the accomplishments you have, this will not only help to maximize therapy but will maximize your life! It is easy to lose sight of this when you feel in over your head around something, but remember to take a step back and allow some room for gratitude for today and where you are here and now. If it is inside the office of a therapist to confront some challenges, that can’t be all bad, is it?
Other Tips and Suggestions to Maximize Therapy
Shop around and make sure you have the right fit. You have the right to make sure that the person you are seeing, (hiring) to support you through some of life’s more intimate challenges is the right fit. This is another point that I make with clients very often, I liken it to shopping for a pair of jeans.
When you buy a pair of jeans, you might have the right size and the right cut, but they won’t all feel the same, you need to try them on and see how they feel. It’s the same with a therapist, the person might have the background and education you are looking for but it might not feel right. I say give it 2-3 sessions and if you are not “feeling it”, maybe it is time to do another search. I admit this can be challenging, having been through this process plenty myself, and it can be frustrating, but it will be worth the time.
Also, different therapists will help us differently, with different challenges. Make sense? You might work really well with someone for a time and get through some things and then after some time, you might not find them as effective. That’s ok, sometimes it is good to change things up, maybe that person was the person you needed at that time and now you are ready to move on and spread your wings a little more or just take a break.
How To Find A Therapist
I know this is a little tricky these days, seems like, as is with many things peri-pandemic, there is a shortage of therapists. But don’t be discouraged, we are out there and there is movement within the system, openings are there, just stay persistent. In the meantime, you might want to consider one of the many online practices that seem to be everywhere these days. I have partnered with one, Online therapy.com who I think have a good approach to therapy and you can see them from anywhere in the world, they don’t take insurance but their plans are reasonable and if you use my link, you will get 20% off your first month.
You can also check with your doctor’s office, insurance company, or employee assistance program who are often able to make referrals.
Wrapping it up…
In order to maximize therapy, you need to have the right ingredients. Therapy is a partnership in which you and the therapist seek to find room and opportunity for growth and change in your life. You have your job, as noted above, and the therapist has their job, both working together to create the possibility for a more fulfilling life. It won’t always feel good but it should be a good fit, ideally you will have someone that challenges you in the right way and that also leaves you feeling supported. Therapists might upset you at times, but allow room and space to work through that… with these ingredients you have a world of possibility waiting for you, allow the therapy that you engage in to help you along that path.
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