There Is No Moving On…
Truth be told, life, loss, and everything in between will never go away, instead, it becomes part of your story. Every experience you have, good, bad and ugly makes you who you are. The idea of “moving on”, is another way of avoiding pain, but not necessarily making it better. Funny how we can sometimes think that we need to just “move on” and “get over it”, and when we do, it will be over and done with, like the person or pet that is no longer there. In fact, there really is no “moving on”, but rather a moving forward. If you try to simply move on, you will most likely prolong the grief and miss out on the opportunity to celebrate that which you have lost. Think about moving forward as a way to take with you the ways in which that person touched your life, the person you will carry with you and is now a part of your story… as they have contributed to who you are!
Below are 7 ways to move forward with your loss(es), they won’t always be easy but it might help to shape some perspective around this sometimes unbearable topic that we all face at some point in our lives.
The Continuum Of Life And Loss
Because one relationship, either voluntary or involuntary has ended, does not have to mean that you need to erase that person from your thoughts and memory, in fact, I would argue that the best way to move forward is to embrace the loss and allow room for that person or experience to be present in your everyday life.
Some people believe that death is just another phase of life, a life that we can’t see or understand fully, but that is nonetheless, a new way of being.
I recall the passing of a close family friend. He was a special person, a mentor, and a role model. At one point his wife shared some of his last words with us, “don’t be mad”. At the time I couldn’t understand what he meant by that, but today I can clearly see that he knew he was moving forward in his own way and would not be able to take his loved ones with him. I like to think about it as a peaceful transition, though heartbreaking for all of us who were left behind… that is the continuum of life, they move forward and so must we.
Some For A Few Moments, Some For A Season, Some For A Lifetime
I have always believed that people come into our lives for a reason. Some come and go relatively quickly and others are there for a lifetime, each person and each change will have an impact on you. Each person that comes into your life, has something to teach you, something to show you about life, all its hardships, and wonders.
Quotes have a way of giving us perspective, a beautiful arrangement of words that can bring solace and help us think about things differently. There are many around grief and loss, one that I often think about in difficult moments, is by Dr. Seuss, “don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened”. This truly embraces the idea of gratitude which is the first of the tips I highlight below as a way to incorporate that which you have lost into your present-day life and the life you will have moving forward.
What To Expect If You Are Grieving
When dealing with a sudden loss, there is a range of reactions and emotions that people have, often it is initial shock, overwhelming sadness, numbness, fear for how you might take care of a young family, pay your bills or enjoy life again… everyone deals with and reacts to grief in their own way.
“Our grief is as individual as our lives.” – Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Whether you see it in another person or feel it in yourself, know that there will be moments of what I just described above in addition to the stages of grief which are denial (coincides with shock), bargaining (for the loss), anger, depression, and acceptance (not necessarily the end-stage). This is not at all a linear process but one with loops and zigzags.
Also, keep in mind that if the loss is sudden or tragic, these feelings will be all the more pronounced in duration and intensity.
7 Tips To Incorporate A Painful Experience Of Loss Into Everyday Life
- Bring in the gratitude – when you have gratitude for all that is and was, you have less room for the pain, hurt, and sorrow that comes with grief and loss. Make no mistake, you will still feel all of those difficult feelings, but by being mindful and appreciative of what you had, you will find relief and healing in the hurt, which helps you to feel ok with moving forward.
- Be open to risking love and life again – In order to enjoy the fullness of life, we must be able and willing to take the risks that come with opening ourselves up to new experiences and opportunities. This does not mean that you will forget the person or whatever form the loss has been, but it means that you will be able to begin something new and whatever you may think, you are changed by the experiences you have lived and loved.
- Allow room for reminders of the person in your thoughts, in your home, and in your life. When they pop up, as they will think of it as a gift, smile, share if you want, or keep it to yourself, know that they are with you and this is just one of the ways that they are with you.
- Talk about them – as you move into new relationships and meet new people, don’t be afraid to talk about the losses (where appropriate). Sometimes, especially when dating, it is frowned upon to talk about previous relationships, this will most likely have to do with the insecurity of that other person. Listen to your gut on this but a new and healthy relationship will not be threatened by a previous love in your life. To not talk about them and not allow room for them, is in effect denying you a part of yourself.
- Refrain from self-judgment or criticism – There are no shoulds when it comes to grief and loss. Forget what our society implies with the diagnostics of psychiatric disorders, that say symptoms of grief for more than 2 weeks is a diagnosed illness… ridiculous! You don’t just get over the loss of someone who has been your everything for 20 years in the span of 2 weeks and likewise, you don’t just get over the loss of a pet or anyone that has been close to you in that time frame. Go at your pace and clean things out as you need to and can, of course, there are usually financial considerations but do your best to allow yourself the time and space to go about the process in the way that makes sense to you.
- Don’t rush the process – Take your time, lean on those around you, don’t rush going back to work if you don’t have to, and spend time with people who understand your pain and loss.
- Find your balance – Over time you will find your footing, a way to incorporate that which you have loved and lost into your new life, your next chapter that feels right for you. When a longing and a sadness overcomes you, don’t push it away, bring it in, send them a hug, think about them, smile, share a moment with them in your heart and move forward.
Spoken Words
Below is a Ted talk from Nora McInerny which embraces this idea about moving on vs moving forward, I found it inspiring, I hope you will also.
Therapy
If you notice prolonged grief and depression in yourself or a loved one, it might be helpful to consider therapy. When I say prolonged grief, what I am referring to are symptoms that keep you from being able to function in your normal everyday life and maintain responsibilities beyond a reasonable time. As I mentioned above, at 2 weeks I think we are usually just starting to realize that our loved one is no longer with us, most people who were here to support us during the immediate crisis have gone home and have returned to their lives. At 2 weeks, the symptoms of loneliness and profound sadness will really just start to set in, give yourself some time and consider speaking with a grief counselor or someone from your faith community that will be able to offer support and guidance through this difficult time.
Working with an individual therapist would allow room for all that you are feeling about your grief and loss, the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, feelings of being lost, and will help you create a plan to move forward with your changed life. If you would like to connect with someone online, you can check out online therapy.com, by clicking on my affiliate link, you will get 20% off your first month.
A Little About Me…
Sometimes it’s helpful for you the reader to know a little about the author as it is sometimes helpful for clients to know a little about their therapists. I know when I sat in the client chair, I always wondered, if these therapists and doctors really understood what I was talking about or if they just knew it from books and school, did they “get it” or just sound good… that’s why I do like to be as real as I can about what I know and how.
Loss comes in all shapes and sizes, sometimes it is in the form of losing your person, a child, a family member, a 4 legged buddy, a marriage or relationship, a job, a home maybe even your home country… and yes, I have my own losses. Of course, I have lost family and friends, as I mentioned it is hard to get through life without being touched by loss, I have also felt the loss of a marriage in divorce which really did feel like a very intimate death, I have lost my beloved 4 legged buddy, who I jokingly say is to date, my longest and healthiest relationship 😉 Though the losses have been significant, I would say the biggest was when I lost myself to depression which fortunately I have overcome. Overcoming these challenges, coupled with my professional background in clinical social work, I am able to bring to you a path forward through life’s ups and downs.
If you have read some of my other articles, my about me page, or maybe saw through some of my personal pictures… I love the outdoors, I love adventure and I love the thrill (and challenge) of personal struggle in the natural world. I see these struggles and challenges as parallel to our many life struggles. It is also one of the ways in which I have worked to embrace all of which I write about here in this blog.
There are no accidents in life, though we fight it, we must yield at some point and allow life to move gently in the direction it will … be patient, and despite the challenges, you encounter there are new opportunities that await! The truth is, this is not how I envisioned my life when I was starting out, but life pushed me in directions that I resisted. However, after I embraced my calling to work in the field of mental health and the chance to work with hundreds of families and individuals as they struggled through their own mental health ups and downs, I was more fully able to understand life and its mysterious twists and turns. I am here to teach you all of that which I have spent my life learning personally and professionally. I hope you will join me on this journey by joining the Upside Down Flan community here. There’s lots more coming… I am just getting started! 😉
