What Is Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the common term used for a pattern of behavior used to disempower and gain control over another person. The term that I personally prefer to use is “crazy-making”, as this to me, more accurately reflects the impact on the victim in this pattern of abuse, which is leaving the victim with the feeling that they are losing their mind and going crazy. This article will highlight 10 signs of gaslighting and 7 strategies to break free from this harmful pattern of abuse.

Note that although gaslighting is referred to in a variety of settings and contexts, (ie politics, workplace environment, or schools), the way that I will be addressing gaslighting in this article will be in the context of an intimate partnership or relationship.

Gaslighting and Partner Abuse

Gaslighting is often a part of the emotional and psychological abuse present in partner abuse. Partner abuse also referred to as domestic violence manifests in a variety of ways, the power, and control wheel (image here) displays the different ways that abusive patterns emerge in an intimate relationship. This is called the power and control wheel because that is exactly what intimate partner abuse aims to do, gain power and control over the other person.

Gaslighting is one tactic that an abusive person uses to manipulate and confuse their partner. It’s important to note that manipulation happens in a variety of relationships and does not necessarily mean that the person is gaslighting. It becomes gaslighting when it is a repeated pattern that aims to make a person believe that they are the problem.

10 Signs of Gaslighting

During my research for this article, I found a lot out there about gaslighting, however, a lot of the literature speaks more specifically to what happens in an abusive relationship, different than the specific signs that come up when gaslighting is at play. The list below is very specific to what happens when a partner attempts to gaslight and the impact this has on you or a loved one.

You question yourself and have increased self-doubt. One of the insidious ways that gaslighting works to disempower and attack someone psychologically or emotionally, is to create doubt about, just about everything or anything.
Have a hard time distinguishing reality from fiction. Where there is gaslighting, the truth is distorted and it becomes increasingly difficult to know what is the truth is in a situation or scenario. Lying and manipulating events is one of the ways in which an abusive person will try to deceive you and make it difficult to decipher fact from fiction.
You feel that the problems in your relationship are all your fault. One of the more dangerous impacts of gaslighting is when you start to believe all of the lies and that you are the problem in the relationship, not your partner. There is a powerful game at play here and they are working to turn you (as well as everyone else) against you.
You consistently feel disempowered in your relationship. You lack authority or agency in your relationship and family, maybe decisions about your children, or plans for the weekend. Everything needs to be ok’d by your partner and you are made to believe that this is for yours and everyone’s benefit. Important to note that if this is an agreed-upon (not strongarmed) arrangement in your relationship then that would be different.
Your partner will “gas” you up and break you down. One of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship is the cycle of abuse and this often comes in the form of adoration and belittling and put-downs.
You feel confused about what is happening in your relationship. Another impact of gaslighting is the confusion that you will be left with about what is right and what is wrong. You will question who you can trust and who you can’t, as your partner is working to make you think that everyone is against you and they can’t be trusted. It can also feel like arguments or conversations go in circles, maybe that you are having two different conversations, as they work to distort and manipulate the truth.
Your partner doesn’t take responsibility for their piece of a conflict or disagreement. It takes two!! Always!! When your partner can’t acknowledge their part in a problem or argument, that can be a sign of a larger issue. Again, the important thing here is the pattern, if this is happening consistently then this is one of the telltale signs of gaslighting.
Inconsistency in actions and words from your partner. This could look something like ‘talking the talk but not walking the walk’. Maybe your partner puts on a good public display or raves about you in public but then puts you down in private, that is another way that gaslighting may work to create confusion, “if they say they love me, why do they put me down so much?”. It could also be 100% behind closed doors where your partner says many loving things to you which helps you to gain their trust and then turns it into criticism. For example, your partner might say that they are only saying this because they love you, that others think it as well, but they are the only one who loves you enough to say it.
You feel emotionally drained and exhausted. There’s enormous energy being spent trying to manage and survive the abusive gaslighting of your partner, this will no doubt leave you feeling wiped out, lacking the energy to get out of the situation or address it with your partner
Difficulty making decisions. All of this psychological and emotional abuse will leave anyone hesitant to make any significant decisions. Your partner has been working hard to create doubt about yourself and that you are capable of living on your own for example, this is especially helpful for the gaslighter who is working to keep you in the disempowered relationship and will keep you from trying to break free.

How to Break Free from Gaslighting – 7 Strategies

Once you have identified the signs of gaslighting and see how this is playing out in your relationship, you can begin to counter the abusive patterns and begin to create a plan to break free from the abuse. This will most likely come in various stages. Whether or not it is severe enough for you to leave the relationship or not will depend on a number of factors. If there are any significant safety concerns present and threats of physical harm, this is something worth consulting with a professional about so that you can make a safety plan for yourself and your children or pets.

Below are some of the ways that you can fight back and break free from the gaslighting in your relationship.

Talk with a trusted friend or family member, someone who knows you and who will be able to help you decipher the truth in the situation.
Trust yourself, listen to your gut, you know the truth, your truth.
Find the evidence that supports what your instincts or your gut is telling you. You can use this to confront your partner, or just as reassurance that you are not the problem, you are not crazy, and that this is your partner working to make you believe that you are weak and incapable.
Seek professional support, therapy, or a community-based agency can help you develop a safety plan, inform you of your legal rights and also help you understand the cycle of abuse. They will also be able to help you gain access to supportive networks such as support groups or a mental health therapist who knows and understands the layers of complexity around partner abuse and gaslighting.
Get some space from the situation or your partner. If you can, take a few days and visit a friend or family from out of town, to help you think things through and maybe get some support around steps you can take to either leave the relationship or disarm the gaslighting.
When engaged in an argument, stay on topic. As I have mentioned, gaslighting aims to confuse you, and conversations can feel like they are going in circles, do your best to hold your partner accountable, which you can do with the evidence that you have and by keeping them on topic. The gaslighter wants to be in control of the conversation, see if you can get your voice out there. Only do this is if it is safe, and you know this best. Sometimes leaving your gaslighting partner to feel that they are in control is the safest thing for you to do at the moment.
Remember to take care of yourself. Do the things that help you to stay balanced and healthy, self-care is essential when encountering stress such as in the case of partner abuse.

Therapy Options

If you are looking to connect with a therapist and having trouble locating someone, Online-Therapy.com might be a good option. They use a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) approach and are available worldwide. You can use my affiliate link by clicking here which will give you 20% off for the first month.

You can also check with your primary care or employee assistance program who can most likely give you a list of referrals. In the case of domestic violence and where gaslighting is happening, you might also want to check with your local domestic violence agency who can make a referral to someone who is well versed around the unique dynamics that take place in intimate partner abuse.

Final Words

If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship please know that help is out there and that there are options. You can find help from your local domestic violence agency or by contacting your national hotline. In the United States, this is The National Domestic Violence Hotline

In Canada, you can contact the Ending Violence Association of Canada.

For the United Kingdom, you can contact The Refuge or call 0808 2000 247

Wikipedia has put together a shortlist of some hotlines according to country, you can find that list here.

Support For Your Furry Buddies

If you are a pet owner and concerned about the welfare of your furry buddy should you decide to leave your partner, there are some resources available to help with that problem as well. Red Rover is an organization based in California that can help find temporary shelter for your pet, they work with Safe Place for Pets. There is also your local MSPCA (ASPCA) which can help you connect with the right resources for you and your family.

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