Jealousy is a Human Emotion
Jealousy is one of those ugly feelings that everyone feels at some point in their life and it never feels good. If you are finding that there is more than your fair share of jealousy in your relationship then keep reading, as this article is sure to help you dissect that jealousy in your relationship with 10 tips on what you can do to overcome it.
If you aren’t sure whether or not your relationship is in trouble due to jealousy, take my quiz below which will give you individual results based on your responses. Take the quiz below.
The Levels of Jealousy
There are different types of jealousy, some of which carry more weight than others, research, and scholastic articles identify 6 types of jealousy, I will just focus on 2, romantic jealousy and pathological (irrational) jealousy. When jealousy shows up in your relationship, it is often one of these two predominant types of jealousy, and why I chose to focus on these two.
Romantic jealousy is when there is a real or perceived threat to a relationship due to another “rival”. Pathological jealousy is when there is an underlying psychiatric disorder where the jealousy becomes more of paranoia and obsession that their partner is cheating or that there is a threat to their relationship due to outside, this is often accompanied by dangerous and inappropriate behavior. No jealousy is good in a relationship, although we will discuss that a little more below, as all feelings have their purpose, however, pathological jealousy will often accompany an abusive pattern where one person tries to limit or control another person due to this paranoia and perceived threat of another person.
If the jealousy present in your relationship enters into the pathological or irrational realm, it might be good to get some outside support and to talk about what is happening so that you can decipher for yourself whether or not the level of jealousy in your relationship is of concern. Jealousy is more times than not, a part of an abusive pattern of power and control in relationships that enters into the realm of intimate partner abuse (or domestic violence). There are many community health and social service agencies that can help you discern what is happening in your relationship. The National Hotline, (information below) is available 24/7 for support and can help you connect to local resources.
It’s important to note that just because there is some jealousy in your relationship, it does not mean that it is abusive, which is what would be considered “romantic jealousy”. I have heard often enough that some people want to make their partner jealous (or maybe just ok with them being jealous), as it lets them know that their partner loves them. I would disagree, as I don’t think jealousy is a component of a healthy relationship, however as it has been said, it is an emotion and it does pop up at times. If this is the case for you, use this as an opportunity to talk with your partner and work through the challenge. Tips below to help with this.
Evolution Says That “Some Jealousy is Ok”
Jealousy definitely has a bad reputation, there is a danger in thinking or feeling that if you experience jealousy there is something wrong with you. I would rephrase that by saying that there is something wrong, but it may not be you. Is it possible that you have a good reason for feeling the way that you do? Could the feeling be rooted in something that tells what is happening in the relationship is not ok with you and that it needs to be corrected? Maybe it just means that there are some changes needed in your relationship.
Jealousy is an emotion and emotions are information, they protect us from a potential danger, which is exactly what jealousy is from an evolutionary perspective. So no, not all jealousy is bad, it can push a couple to work harder and show each other that there is something worth fighting for, but again, so long as it is not in excess. Modern life allows room for independence and life that combines a family and a life independent of that. If there is jealousy it could mean that the balance is off for you or your partner. Keep reading for tips on how to combat those healthy challenges around jealousy and if you aren’t sure where you stand, take the quiz above which will give you individual results based on your responses.
How to Overcome Jealousy in Your Relationship
Jealousy, while maybe not all bad, does indicate that there is some work to be done in your relationship. Below are 10 tips on how to overcome jealousy in your relationship.
#1 Identify the source of the threat. Jealousy shows up when we feel threatened, identify the threat, and then take steps to counter those threats. Talk this through with your partner, a healthy relationship allows room for hard discussions and finding the time and energy to work through the hard stuff that surfaces from time to time.
#2 Be honest and own It. Talk about it with your partner and ask for their help as you try to work through these feelings. Jealousy is a human emotion just like many other emotions we feel, and there is a reason you are feeling the way you do, feelings are information and keys to your heart and mind. Take that information, be ok with it, accept it, and know that you are miles ahead if and when you can accept that you feel jealous.
#3 Don’t accuse and don’t blame. Jealousy isn’t about the other person, it’s about you! What are the threats and insecurities that you are feeling and why.
#4 Understand the difference between feelings and behaviors. Having the feelings and then acting on them are two very different states of being. Everyone has uncomfortable feelings at times, acting on them though is a whole other thing. If the actions or behaviors start to instill fear or threats of safety, then it is good to look for outside support, the National Hotline is one such resource, (information above).
#5 Mind your behavior. Jealousy can be a powerful emotion that can motivate people to do unthinkable things. Keep yourself in check and make sure that you are not acting out.
#6 Don’t try to control the other person. Resorting to control is taking jealousy to another level and is a sign that the relationship is entering the danger zone. You can’t control another person and another person can’t control you, it will always backfire when it comes to relationships, meaning that it will deny you and your partner the fulfillment a relationship can have.
#7 Find Gratitude. If you are experiencing jealousy then there is a good chance that you are also experiencing a lot of worries, anxiety, and plain ol’ negativity. Allowing room in your life for gratitude is one way to combat those negative feelings, by bringing your attention to what you have vs what you don’t.
#8 Take Care of yourself. Nurture yourself and remind yourself that while your partner is an important part of your life they are not everything in your life. In a healthy relationship, your partner should be a good size piece of your world, but not your whole world. Taking care of yourself by socializing with friends or engaging in your workout routine, work-life etc can help you put things into perspective. Could it be that your partner is simply doing that, seeing some friends socially once in a while, or attending a work event?
#9 Beat insecurities by building your self-esteem and self-love. At the root of jealousy lies that little (or maybe sometimes big) voice of insecurity. Remember how awesome you are and that you are worth your own time to love, take care of, and that you are not perfect, which sometimes is the enemy of self-love. Relationships, all of them, go through cycles and may last forever, but they may not… appreciate the time that you have with your partner, work through the challenges around jealousy and the answers will reveal themselves on their own.
#10 Get help. Talk to your friends or someone that you trust. Talking it out will help you get some perspective and a more objective opinion about what is happening. Lean on your support network, bounce the situation off a friend, read about it, (which you are doing here), and take my quiz above 😉 All of these things will help you understand what is happening and will inform a plan in addressing the issue.
Consider Therapy
If you have been working to implement and address some of these 10 tips above and you are still struggling with jealousy in your relationship, therapy might be a good next step. Together with a therapist, you will be able to work through some of these steps noted above in more depth and with the assistance of someone who can be objective and has the training to decode and decipher the level of concern and or danger that could be present in a relationship. If appropriate, it might be helpful to think about couples therapy, however, this is something that I would recommend you discuss in individual therapy first.
Couples therapy is not recommended if there are controlling patterns of behavior and or when there is an abusive dynamic of power and control, which we also identify as intimate partner abuse. I have included a graphic of the power and control wheel here to help you see some of the ways in which intimate partner abuse plays out.
If you would like assistance finding a therapist, you can check out one of my affiliates Onlinetherapy.com where you will be able to access a therapist from anywhere in the world. You will also get 20% off when you use my affiliate link here. Please notes that if you do use my affiliate link, I will receive a small commission which is one of the ways that I support the work that I am doing here on upsidedownflan.com.
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References
1. Attridge M. Jealousy and Relationship Closeness: Exploring the Good (Reactive) and Bad (Suspicious) Sides of Romantic Jealousy. SAGE Open. January 2013. doi:10.1177/2158244013476054
2. Davis, Adam & Desrochers, Jessica & DiFilippo, Anna & Vaillancourt, Tracy & Arnocky, Steven. (2018). Type of jealousy differentially predicts cost-inflicting and benefit-provisioning mate retention. Personal Relationships. 25. 10.1111/pere.12262.
