Turning Shame Upside Down!
In a world where the ideal is perfection and that image is reflected as more and more “normal” (thank you social media), it can be downright hard to feel good about yourself. Many of us can relate to the challenge around a lack of confidence and poor self-esteem, but were you aware that shame is a major culprit when it comes to self-esteem and confidence? If not, then keep reading as this article might have some important nuggets for you to remember as you do your own personal work and learn about how to stop shaming yourself and build positive self-esteem.
At Upside Down Flan we are all about turning things right side up… but in this case, we want to take that shame and turn it on its head, instead of it turning you upside down, let’s reverse that and turn IT upside down!
What is Shame and Where Does it Come From
Shame is that feeling that makes you want to hide, feel embarrassed, and tells you repeatedly that you aren’t good enough. This message often comes from important people in your life, possibly caretakers, or role models, maybe teachers, and of course peers. Childhood is often a place where these messages sink in and grab a hold of us when we are more vulnerable and haven’t had the life experience to counter some of these messages.
Babies have even been found to have reactions to their dismissive, distracted or aloof parents as they seek to create a secure attachment when they are not met with the positive reinforcement they seek from their caregiver. The ‘still face’ experiment that Ed Tronick did in the 1970s demonstrates the impact of caregiver response on infants and the significance on early childhood development, as seen in the video below.
This is not to say that all children who experience some form of reproach or “still face” from their caregiver will develop a feeling of internalized shame, but it could be an indicator. If this is a repeated experience for a child, and they are particularly sensitive, it could eventually contribute to a feeling of shame, that they are not worthy of love. Needless to say, abuse and repeated (complex) traumas are other indicators and contributors of shame.
If you are a caregiver…
Please remember, no caregiver is perfect and many of you are pulled in lots of different directions, just trying to keep your head above water. It’s impossible to be 100% attentive to a child 100% of the time, one of the important takeaways from a video like this is that there is an opportunity to repair in cases where you might not have been as available to a child. Remember that children are resilient and will bounce back, some quicker than others, but with your help, care, and guidance there is an opportunity to repair some of those “attachment injuries”.
The other opportunity here is for you to build awareness. Most people are not aware of the significance these small, daily interactions can have on children, but when we know better, we do better. Allow this to be an opportunity to be just that, a chance to learn and improve, which is one of the wonderful things about life, we always have the chance to do better and make corrections.
Interesting how this message kinda speaks to the essence of this article, huh?!
There is also an aspect of shame that can be felt intrinsically, in that it may come from your own observations about who you are and how you stack up in the world. Comparing oneself to peers and measuring your “success” against that of others can create shame, and reinforce an idea that you are not good enough. However, shame is a deep psychological wound, that tells you that you are bad and unworthy, this likely comes from a reinforcing life experience or message, not merely the result of feeling like a failure when compared to friends and peers, but it is another place in our lives where we can internalize and reinforce negative feelings about ourselves.
There are many other feelings that coincide with shame, such as embarrassment, humiliation, inadequacy, and guilt. All of which are somewhat nuanced and speak to some of the underlying feelings around shame. Shame comes into play when you are not able to reconcile any of these above feelings and you incorporate wrongdoings or mistakes, failures as a reason to be ashamed, a reason to believe that “you are bad”. Many of these other feeling words are on the shame spectrum but are different in that they can motivate to correct. If you think about the guilt you might feel when you commit a social faux pas, very often you are then motivated to make amends with that person for your error, as an example.
How Shame Erodes Self Esteem
Shame does to self-esteem what the tide does to the shoreline during a hurricane, it pounds at it and washes it away, carrying self-dignity and pride out to a lost sea. When you carry shame, you are left feeling that you are not good enough, that you are flawed, and that you are not capable of being loved, which is the essence of poor self-esteem.
One could say that there is an inverse relationship when it comes to shame and self-esteem, as one goes up the other goes down. The more shame you feel, the less positive self-esteem you have. Therefore, if you want to improve your self-esteem, it could be worth investigating your relationship with shame and where in your life this might come from.
Additionally, low self-esteem and shame are found to have a negative impact on a person’s adult life, increasing their likelihood of engaging in at-risk behavior such as substance abuse and unprotected sex or experiencing relationship strife and depression or anxiety, more good reasons to stop shaming yourself.
The Impact of Shame on Relationships
In the same way, that shame will erode your self-esteem, it will also erode and eat away at your relationships. You have probably heard that the most important relationship is the one with yourself. I talk about this in my article on self-love, if you have a positive connection to yourself and high regard for yourself, the rest will fall into place.
It might be easier to see the way it can damage a relationship, by needing consistent (constant?) reassurance, which goes in one ear, bounces around for a little while, until your negative self-talk chimes in and says “that’s bogus” … and then the cycle repeats itself. This can create friction and fatigue in a relationship.
In order to have a healthy intimate relationship, it is important to be able to hear about the experiences of your partner with some objectivity and openness, shame and poor self-esteem are blocking these important messages from your partner. This creates further roadblocks on the path towards a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
5 Steps to Undoing Shame
If you are ready to start learning how to stop shaming yourself, I’ve got a few exercises that will help. You can practice these with yourself, or with someone you trust. Journaling about each of these 5 areas below, would be my first recommendation as it will help you to unpack some of the complexity in these areas. Needless to say, it is important to go at your own pace, starting with some simple reflection is a great way to begin this journey, and of course, this would be great information to bring to therapy 😉
- Acceptance. This is more easily said than done, I know, and getting to a place of acceptance is often the result of a lot of personal work. However, it’s an important piece of the puzzle, and although it is where we hope to arrive by the end, it can also be a good place to start. Think about being ok with not being perfect, accepting that you have faults, and make mistakes. Whether this takes you back to a time as a child, teen, or in your adult life. Mistakes and failures are, as they say, the first steps towards success. We can’t get to success without having had failed at something, many things even. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and many people will have something to say about what we do or don’t do, in the end, you are accountable to yourself, who you are, and what you feel.
- Describe to yourself or a trusted friend/partner who you are. What do you see when you look in the mirror? For real, take out a mirror and look at yourself, how would you describe what you see in that mirror to another person? If you struggle with self-esteem the first things that come to mind, will most likely be negative. If you can tolerate it, allow those negative comments to come. Sit with them, allow them to be there, and then, for each negative comment, work in something that you like or that you find interesting, maybe even unique about yourself. It’s helpful to write them down, so you can go through each of the negative comments one by one and then counter each of them with something positive or maybe just neutral, also, one by one. When you are finished, take a good look at them and appreciate the positive you see along with the less desirable. Take your notebook out every so often reminding yourself of the good that you see in yourself, maybe next time you can look in the mirror and just tell yourself the good that you see without the negative?
- Stop Shaming Yourself By Giving Yourself Permission. This exercise kinda goes along with the first one, but a little different, this is giving yourself permission, that is to say, that you allow yourself to make mistakes. You acknowledge that you make errors from time to time and that is also ok. You are a human being, not a god or goddess, no superpowers here, and things are never, ever as they appear for other people, least of all on social media. Everyone struggles through life, has different challenges, and is allowed to make errors. Shame comes into play when we expect that we have to get it right ALL THE TIME!! But it’s Just Not So!! Just not possible, the sooner you can be ok with that, the sooner you will be able to embrace yourself.
- Practice acknowledgment of your mistakes with others. This is an opportunity to take the piece on ‘permission’ and put it into practice. Try writing down some of the mistakes you have made, big or small (ie burning the toast), or acknowledging them to someone you trust. Then think about what you might have learned through that mistake or error. Another way to implement this idea is to work towards acknowledging criticism from someone. The next time someone is a little critical you could respond by saying, “yes, I understand where you are coming from…” followed by whatever else you feel would be appropriate without being too defensive. Maybe the feedback/criticism is worth considering? This is a good segue to the next exercise.
- Be Thankful. Yes, also known as gratitude. Appreciate that there are things in your life that have been challenging AND which you have gotten through…. experiences that have made you who you are. I remember hearing this a lot as a kid, and a lot less as an adult, but something that is worth stopping and pausing to reflect on… there is only one you in the world, your exact replica does not exist, you are unique in your looks, your experiences, in your thought process, and in your responses to those processes…. and that is all so totally awesome!! Appreciate it, soak it in, and love it! My guess is that many people around you do, why not join them?!🤔
Therapy
Learning how to stop shaming yourself and working on your self-esteem is a lot of hard, personal work. Sometimes the best place to do this work is with a therapist. A professional who is well versed around many of these challenges and will be able to help you organize and process them. Online-therapy.com is an online service that can help. They are available to meet with you online, from anywhere in the world. If you would like to learn more about them, there is a short video below which describes a little about who they are and how it works, you can also receive 20% off when you use my affiliate link here.
Always Remember That You Are Enough!
As we close here for today, remember that you have the right to exist and to be happy, as you are present-day, as you were in the past and as you will be in the future…. whatever that will be. Wherever you are in your personal process is where you are meant to be.
Unfortunately, the burden of shame lands on those who tend to be more sensitive… I say unfortunately because sensitivity is actually quite a beautiful thing, and in a fast-paced, harsh world, sensitive people often get pretty beat up along the way. Learning how to stop shaming yourself and build positive self-esteem will help you to fend off the criticisms of the world… leaving you with more room for fulfillment in your life and relationships.
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References:
Tronick, Edward. “Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants”. American Psychology, February 1989. https://elf2.library.ca.gov/how/docs/JSparrow_Article_Emotions_Emotional_Comm_in_Infants.pdf
NCBI: Children’s Proneness to Shame and Guilt Predict Risky and Illegal Behaviors in Young Adulthood
PubMed: Life-span development of self-esteem and its effects on important life outcomes
