Quiet vs. Shy
I think it’s been a lifelong battle cry of mine, “I’m quiet not shy!” There was always a clear distinction to me, but what is the difference exactly between being quiet vs shy? The two are so often confused and incorrectly used interchangeably. This article will speak to the difference between introversion and social anxiety with some tips for the introvert as well as the shy on how to survive the exuberance of an extroverted world.
Quiet is to Introversion as Shy is to Social Anxiety
There’s a big difference between being quiet vs being shy. To be quiet means that you speak when you need to or want to speak and don’t feel the need to fill the room with excess noise. To be shy means that you fear the idea of speaking up and very likely have something you would like to say or do in front of other people but fear the risk of social rejection or looking foolish. Simply put, a person who is introverted is quiet and a person with social anxiety is shy, two descriptors that are too often confused and to my fellow introverts, I feel your pain. It’s not that one is better than the other, however, it is the pain of being misunderstood and judged for something that you are not, where the problem lies.
Suffice it to say that social anxiety is a mental health issue and introversion is a personality type. In many ways one has nothing to do with the other, however, there are some similarities as to how they are perceived by the world and in some ways how they behave, though for different underlying reasons.
The Differences and the Overlap Between Introversion and Social Anxiety
If you have been living with social anxiety, then you have probably figured out how to manage that anxiety, or hopefully getting some support around it. As anyone who has lived with social anxiety can attest, it can be terribly disabling and decrease one’s quality of life, as is the case with any illness, mental health, or otherwise.
If you are an introvert, you have been living with introversion for your entire life and have likely experienced some ups and downs, questions for yourself, and social pressure from others due to your nature. If you are reading this post then you are probably in a place where you have come to understand yourself as an introvert and in one phase or another of finding your footing with regards to who you are and what you need to thrive in life.
However, to exclude the two entirely, (the traits of being shy or quiet), would probably not be fair either, as anyone who doesn’t like to be the center of attention or around a lot of people is going to feel some anxiety when thrust into the spotlight. And just like we are all different and unique, so too is our introversion and how we have assimilated in an extroverted world. Many of us figure it out along the way, and discover for ourselves that there isn’t anything wrong with us, we just enjoy time to ourselves and need this time to re-energize.
“Same Same But Different” – A Tinglish expression for ‘Similar’
So I would sum it up by saying that there are distinct differences between shyness and being quiet, but with some overlap. To be introverted probably means that there will be some anxiety when you need to be around a lot of people or in big social situations. Being an introvert means that it’s not really in your nature to thrive in that kind of environment and it probably drains you, but it doesn’t mean that you necessarily suffer from social anxiety, which is as we have defined above, a mental health condition that may need to be addressed either through therapy or personal work on your own.
5 Tips On Surviving an Extroverted World
#1 Embrace Your Identity
Being an introvert is actually a really cool thing, be proud of that and appreciate all of your unique qualities and gifts. Introverts are the creators, inventors, and scholars of the world and they can, in many cases also be successful leaders, some of our greatest world leaders have been introverts. The fact that you value smaller, more intimate gatherings over big rooms of people is not a deficit, though life has probably sent you the message that it is. Additionally, be ok with the fact that you don’t need to be around people to be ok, you can do it within the confines of your own personal space and that is totally ok too.
#2 Choose Your Professional Life Carefully
Depending on which life stage you are in, the considerations will be different, but regardless of whether you are mid-career or in the midst of figuring out which direction to go in, there is room for adjustment. Choosing a career environment that is suitable for you and your personality could be the difference between early burnout and a long-standing, flourishing career. And none of this excludes the other, there’s always lots of variables to consider, but if you are feeling burned out, then it could be worth a little reflection on the direction that you are going in and if there are new paths to forge. Remember that it is never too late to make changes.
If you are at the beginning of your career or in the midst of deciding on your career track, this is a good time to consider what you are best suited for and what environment is healthiest for you. One of the silver linings of the COVID pandemic is the great flexibility that working from home can provide, and just because you can, doesn’t always mean you should. It can’t be emphasized enough to get to know yourself and know what you need to thrive and flourish.
Some people might feel the inclination to work from home but this may not be the healthiest environment for them, this would be for the more anxious person or the person that suffers from depression. If it’s truly because “the office” environment, (or whatever your version of the office is), is overstimulating, then maybe working from home is the best answer for you or some variation of a hybrid model.
#3 Learn to Be ok with Being Misunderstood
I would never advocate that you be ok with something that you are not, but what I am referring to here is to know that you will be mislabeled and learning to not see it as a slight but more coming from a place of …. being less aware. Despite the fact that approximately half of the world’s population is introverted, there is still an assumption and expectation that you will be the gregarious extrovert that, thrives on all things social and energetic. AND if you are not that, then there is something wrong with you. Words like timid, shy reserved, socially anxious, social phobias will be thrown around…. maybe some of that will be true to a certain extent but most often not. You can use this as an opportunity to inform… which is a good segway to the next tip, #4.
#4 Become an Ambassador
One of the biggest reasons introverts are misunderstood is because the world is biased. You can work to break that bias down by being an ambassador for the introverted and helping people understand the differences between the quiet, shy, and everything in between. You can be the person that shows them that to be quiet doesn’t mean that you are sad or depressed – though some of us experience that as well, which is a whole other topic in and of itself… Are introverts depressed because they live in an extroverted world that doesn’t understand them? (yet again, I discover another post for another day)…. you can let those people know that no, there is nothing wrong, you are perfectly happy and content, just enjoying some quiet time.
And then there is the opportunity to check your own biases about quiet people because we have them too. Have you ever asked a quiet person what’s wrong, just because they are quiet? I know that I have which I hate to admit, but it’s true… we can all get caught up in the idea that if we don’t know what’s going on with someone (the quiet mind) we assume that there is something wrong.
#5 Build in Your Downtime
To survive the demands of an extroverted world, this last one is essential. You will need to find ways to build in some downtime to recoup and re-energize away from the rest of the world. Being an introvert means that you will likely find high traffic, high social environments, which is most of the working world, draining. To recoup that energy you will need some quiet time for yourself and it will help you to enjoy some of the social events around you, because after all just because you are an introvert doesn’t mean you hate being around people all of the time, you just prefer it in smaller, maybe more controlled doses.
If you are able to build this time in throughout your day-to-day routine, then that’s great, you’ve already mastered one aspect of life as an introvert and probably enjoy life a lot more for it. If you don’t however, have that built into your daily life, then identify the time when you can recharge and the activities that will not just be hobbies but life-saving activities. Be it an evening with a book, or the solace of a garden, a hike in the woods, or a long solitary run or workout, find your space to recoup and protect it, it will be your ever-important “you time”.
For the Extroverts Reading this Post
If there is one thing that introverts really appreciate, it is to allow them the space to be, introverted, quiet, a little on the reserved side without the risk of being judged as being depressed, sad, timid, shy, or just unhappy. It’s very likely that you are reading this to better understand your fellow introvert, as it is also likely that you know, work, or live with several, and that, I have to say is pretty awesome!! You are already a loved extrovert from the introvert’s point of view 🙂 Which really does carry some weight, as we choose wisely when it comes to deciding who we spend time with!
However, with that said, it does take a little extra effort to understand the introvert but I can guarantee you that it will be well worth the energy, just don’t forget to not take it personally when they want to sit in a Friday or Saturday night rather than a night on the town. Also, work to understand the difference between introversion and social anxiety. Hopefully, by reading this post, you will have a better feel for it all, don’t be afraid to talk about it with your more introverted peeps, as they (we) enjoy more meaningful conversation as opposed to small talk 😉
In closing
Unfortunately, for the introvert, the world is not set up for us and so we very often struggle to carve out the time we need and find ourselves having to push back on social expectations. It can certainly be a challenge to constantly work to redefine the social norms around time with others vs time to oneself. Additionally, educating people about the difference between introversion and social anxiety can be wearisome.
In the end, however, it is good to push your comfort zone from time to time, as there can be lots of great experiences and people that you will meet by pushing yourself, and that which you could miss out on while you are busy recouping from your day in the office. I know that as an introvert you may feel like you do this day in and day out, the balance of listening to what we need/want vs the ever-present FOMO (fear of missing out – which btw must be a term that was crafted by an introvert 🤔).
The inner struggle to constantly decide whether or not we listen to what we want vs what we “should do” is never easy. The answer to this dilemma is to find the balance that is right for you! Find the right combination that works for you with these above tips in mind and you will find the right combination that works for you.
Please Share
If you found value in this post, please share it on your social media or with your friends and family. And I would love it if you could leave a comment or two below 🙏 What are your thoughts about introversion and social anxiety? Where do you fall on this personality spectrum? If you aren’t sure, you can take the test here at www.16personalities.com which is based on the Myers Briggs Personality Types.
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References:
NCBI: Quality of Life Impairments among Adults with Social Phobia: The Impact of Subtype
BBC: The science behind why some of us are shy
The Myers Briggs Foundation: The MBTI Basics